


Today again, I love you

by Hubris



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 18:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1697633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hubris/pseuds/Hubris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I won't go," you said to me.</p><p>As hours, days, weeks, and somehow, years, pass, I can't get that phrase off of my mind. You had sounded so truthful; so full of hope. Was it my fault that you went? What other explanation is there? I still remember that red muffler of yours, of which I am reminded every time the colour passes in front of my eyes. Your hair, mostly hidden beneath it, its colour shining in the sun, or darkening when we walked outside in the rain. Your smile, which silently echoed the happiness in you. Your tears, the day before we parted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Today again, I love you

**Author's Note:**

> So! Some angsty shinaya. Please be warned that this is pretty depressing- it's routeXX Shintaro, after all. Ayano's gone and he's contemplating what to do. Ene isn't present here! Enjoy.

"I won't go," you said to me.

As hours, days, weeks, and somehow, years, pass, I can't get that phrase off of my mind. You had sounded so truthful; so full of hope. Was it my fault that you went? What other explanation is there? I still remember that red muffler of yours, of which I am reminded every time the colour passes in front of my eyes. Your hair, mostly hidden beneath it, its colour shining in the sun, or darkening when we walked outside in the rain. Your smile, which silently echoed the happiness in you. Your tears, the day before we parted.

"Why did you go?..." I whispered that one question which I will never find the answer to. If I had comforted you on that day, would you still be by my side, laughing as if everything was okay? People die every day, so why does it seem like time has stopped for me?

Even my sister and my mother have given up on me. I could be doing so much, but I'm stuck here. I can't move forward- I don't want to move forward. It could be so easy, but what would be the point? You wouldn't be there to greet me. You're gone, forever. And I don't want to let you go again.

That's right, on that day, I lost you, didn't I? People brought flowers for you, you know. They cried, trying to show everyone else that they had a heart, and that they cared. They never talked to you when you were still with them, so why did they even try? That masquerade went on for a week, and then it just stopped. They started to laugh again, louder than ever. How could they laugh? You weren't there anymore, so why? It made no sense.

With a loud 'thump', my hand hit the floor under me. Yes, I hated them back then, and I still hate them to this day. I hate them for forgetting you. I hate you for forgetting me. You had always been so selfless, so why did you not think of me?

Trying to picture your image in my mind, my heart accelerates at the result. What shape was your nose? Your hand which held mine; which one was it? Closing my eyes, and hugging my knees, I retreat against the wall. I don't want to let you go; not again.

As long as I remember you, you'll keep being here, somewhere, right? You won't leave. I can't let you leave, not again. So please...

"...Please show yourself..."

Am I begging a ghost? I just want to meet you again. My dreams of you, which used to be so abundant, have become shorter and fewer than ever. I'm not able to remember you as well as I did two years ago. Surprising, right? A short laugh escapes my mouth, with no trace of amusement radiating from it.

"Why can't I go back to that time?..."

If only I could redo it, I wouldn't be the same towards you. I promise, I'd change. I wouldn't be the same; I promise. I promise, so... Instead of stopping, can't time just go back? I promise, I promise, so...

"Please..."

As a hot liquid finds its way out of my eyes, I make no effort to wipe it off. What would be the point of that? You wouldn't come back. If you won't come back, then what's the point of doing anything?

"I'm begging you, so please..."

Days before you left, you had asked me a question. "Do you believe in heaven?", you had asked. Naturally, I had answered with a shake of my head. Why would a creation as ridiculous as heaven exist? You didn't sigh at my negativity, or reprimanded me. You had only smiled, and whispered, "I'd like it if heaven existed."

...If heaven existed, would you be brought back? Or, rather, would we be able to meet again? Bringing my palms together, refusing to look up, I silently plead.

"I'm praying, see?... I'm praying, so now, let me see her again... Just... Let me see her smile... I want to see her smile... I want to talk to her, to ask her why... I just... Please... Let me..."

I pause briefly, trying to find a sense in my words. If heaven existed, then surely, you would be in it, wouldn't you? That would mean you would be listening to me right now. So, please, I'm begging you...

"Just take me with you, somehow."

That red colour you liked so much, could it be the only way to link us two? I have nothing to live for; not if nothing I do will bring you back.  
Pleading, begging, praying, crying... Nothing will bring you back, will it? Then, maybe you don't need to be brought back. Maybe you can bring me to you. If you're in heaven, you can read my thoughts, can't you? I want to see you again, so please bring me to you.

After sitting in silence for a few minutes, I stand up with difficulty, my entire body shaking. I'm not scared. I have nothing to fear, since I have nothing to live for. I take a moment to look around my room, knowing exactly what I need.

That red pair of scissors will bring me to you, won't it?

As I grab it, I can't help but to choke out a few cries. You're in heaven, aren't you? Finally, you're in heaven, so... I'll come to you, and we'll be able to meet again. Holding the scissors up to my throat, I close my eyes for a moment. I won't be able to talk anymore, and last words are important, aren't they?

It doesn't matter if no one is around to hear them. I know that you're watching me. I wouldn't want anyone else.

I glance at the red jacket I had once thrown against the wall. You had told me I looked good in it, hadn't you? Even though you had put it on a few times, it no longer has your scent.

It doesn't mean anything anymore.

Reaching my hands up, distancing the scissors from myself, I finally know what to say. You're listening, aren't you? Please stay for a little longer. I want you to stay. I want you to stay, and that's why... That's why I want to meet you again, in heaven.

"I'm begging you, take me with you, okay? I want you to take me with you, because..."

Preparing my force, I know that I'll need to be careful. One strong movement towards my neck should be enough. It's now or never, right? I'm not scared, because I know I'll meet you again.

"...Today, again, I love you..."

A sharp pain rings across my body- strong enough to let me let go of the scissors that had just gone through the middle of my throat. I can't cry out, so, silently, I try to cough. I can feel blood, and that's no surprise. Can't this hurry up?... I want to meet you, already.

Closing my eyes, trying my best to make no noise against the pain. I can feel the summer heat around me, and I think back to those days spent with you. Your figure is a haze, but it doesn't matter anymore.

Dying is like dreaming, isn't it? Except, you never wake up.  
As long as I can spend my dream with you, I won't mind not waking up.  
If the summer can show us dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away…


End file.
